Options.

2011-12-25T21:02:00.002+08:00

I still feel slightly guilty.

I do not know why I am still pestering her after so long.
I know her yet do not understand her.
I do not see her as who she is but who she was.
I accept the fact that she fears to meet me.

Yet i thought she's matured enough to know that what i want to pursue is friendship not an intimate relationship. Its real hard to distinguish between those two with guys and gals involved, but its kinda like how i will describe my relationship with cy.
BFF might be a better term for it but its too unManly.
Care and concern at a certain level.
I do not know if i am considered matured enough as I am still in poly.

Perhaps what left is that Want to hang out with her.
Catching up face to face is better i suppose than msging or emailing.
I think I am the one that feels it still havent ended, that it was put on hold all this time.
I want that answer. A firm reply.
After so much pestering, I am really hoping for her to give me that.
Perhaps its not how gals work out stuff like this out.
Choosing to give me no reasons and cut me out.

**************************************************************************
Hm, I m pretty honest with myself.
I have never thought of her in a sexy way, more of a I-really-want-to-be-her-friend feeling all along.
Yes, she's the best in my eyes, even till now with the better dressed
ladies around.
If I really want to, i've never used her as material for self-comforting.
Fantasies are shelved aside as reality is readily presented in front of me.
With pretty gals everywhere in Orchard, a place i frequent for Kinokuniya, I really wonder why i still like her even after the initial infatuation, however she called it.

There's no specific point i like about her because i liked who she is as a person.

2011-12-12T20:49:00.000+08:00

I suppose i kinda miss being in groups.
being alone made me think about people i miss,
which leads to thinking too much about those that you really miss.
It hurts so bad that i had to vent it out.
I typed what i felt in a .txt file, then still wanted to sent it,
as I felt i still needed to express what i feel.

I think i will still do it even if i've done.
I want to know people, like big groups of 30?
Lots of people i remember, though not as best as their bffs but
i still remember them.

I suppose the next big group of people i will meet is my NS squad/platoon.
I cant wait for 2 years of worry-about-nothing cept NS.
Ladies? Maybe once I am out working.
So i guess i will still have to trouble her for some more of my vent.
I really hope she doesnt get really depressed and miss out on stuff,
not as if i still have that much of an impact in her life anymore.
Perhaps the words i typed did...
I do not know but probably, she's gotten over it.

I need something awesome to memorize, like Geog or Hist.
Some paper to prepare for, but i cant force myself to remember random facts,
for a self-imagined paper.
I really intend to learn cooking if i live alone.
Not cook some spaghetti, and worry cy tt much, lol.

I think its because mainstream movies always have happy endings tts why they affect me that much.
To me, life is seldom happy.
Life never ends, unless I die.

Hm, i dont think i will ever get high, or feel high.
I think I am lacking Emotion.
The kinda high I feel comes from self projects rather then activities involving other people.
Am I that selfish?

I really like the word self-comforting.

2011-12-08T22:23:00.000+08:00

Weak
Weak
Weak

I think i am weak.
Its because i am weak, i caused people pain and misery.
Its beacause I am weak, they will forget me.

I will not apologize for my actions
because once acted upon, cant be un-acted upon.
I know what made me do it, but do they?
I know what made me weak, but why cant I make myself strong again?

Being alone in the house feels different.
Somehow awesome, somewhat depressing.
But they are back today =(

I suppose a definite Yes or No is really hard to come by in this gray grey world.
Yet my brain works that way.
My heart works that way.

Perhaps being too faithful is a Lousy thing.
I need to start looking for options.
To get my mind off... stuff.
Memories feel real to me, i seek them in the present and wish to keep them with me in the future.
4 years is still too short, perhaps a decade.
My life is slow and steady, the one lives fast and furious like the typical S'porean.

Perhaps leaving this country is my option.
To experience other beauties.
For her safety.

2011-08-11T20:55:00.000+08:00

Every birthday, i will promise myself to do better.
if ive done better, i will have started uni.
if ive done better, i will have been able to get it going.

i told myself, until i have proven myself to myself, i wont bring the matter up to her.
Probably she will have forgetten who i am till i 'stalk' her agn.
it aint right of me to get a gf when i have someone in mind and when i am occupied with getting myself to greater heights.
Ive always asked myself if it is still love or that i wont give up that it hurt so much even now when i think abt it.
Unfinished business hurts me the most.

Can i survive in Sg with a DMD (Games) dip?
Sg doesnt even have any accomplished local game company, even if Sg does, the company will probably be small. Its time for us to do something.

For my present, i wish to get the Slap.

2011-06-30T18:57:00.000+08:00

Is it weird for me to get all hyped over a display pict on Fb?
that one pict gave me a sort of energy spike that lasted 1 whole week.
gave me hope that i can continue on when i am having a minor bout of 'depression'
ive stared at that pict, trying somehow to get it in mind that the jedi mind trick will never work against women, cept Starwars movies.
ive stared at it several times since then, each a couple mins.
Perhaps thats the real reason i could never give up.
with facebook, its easier to somehow 'stalk' someone you have in mind.
i knew that she someday will eventually post a dp of her.
and its the cutest ive seen compared to all the others out there.
i hope she doesnt remove it, but she might.

today ive got that tingly feeling since at amk library.
i heard a familar voice not hers.
maybe i am dead wrong this time and that ive always dream that i will see her amidst the crowd someday, its just an illusion.

i cant use this sort of energy to create,
it gives me the negative force that makes me brood on it.
so much that i dont think several games of tf2 will help.

50 Psychology Classics part 1

2011-06-21T16:00:00.000+08:00

What we think we lack determines what we will become in life.
“a thousand talents and capabilities arise from our feelings of
inadequacy,”
“Character” is the unique interplay between two opposing forces: a need for power, or personal aggrandizement; and a need for “social feeling” and togetherness
Life becomes about the mark they will leave on the
world and what others think of them.
Really great things that serve humanity are not
spurred into existence by vanity, but by its opposite, social feeling.

De Becker suggests that there is a “universal code
of violence” that most of us can automatically sense, yet modern life often has
the effect of deadening our sensitivity. We either don’t see the signals at all or
we won’t admit them.
In
his work, de Becker does not have the luxury of making distinctions like
“human” and “monster.” Instead, he looks for whether a person may have the
intent or ability to harm. He concludes, “the resource of violence is in everyone;
all that changes is our view of the justification.”

Why do people commit violence? De Becker boils it down to four elements:
Justification
Alternatives
Consequences
Ability

The features of predatory criminals usually include:
recklessness and bravado;
single-mindedness;
not being shocked at things that would appall other people;
being weirdly calm in conflict;
the need to be in control.

They may studiously model normality so that they can at first
appear to be “regular guys.” Warning signals include:
They’re too nice.
They talk too much and give us unnecessary details to distract us.
They approach us, never the other way around.
They typecast us or mildly insult us, in order to have us respond and engage
with them.
They use the technique of “forced teaming,” using the word “we” to make
them and their victim seem like they are all in the same boat.
They find a way to help us so we feel in their debt (called “loan sharking”).
They ignore or discount our “no.” Never let someone talk you out of a refusal,
because then they know they are in charge.

People play games as a substitute for real intimacy, and every game, however
unpleasant, has a particular payoff for one or both players.
become a substitute for genuine contact.

Berne came to the view that within each person are three selves or “ego states” that often contradict each other. They are characterized by:
the attitudes and thinking of a parental figure (Parent);
the adult-like rationality, objectivity, and acceptance of the truth (Adult);
the stances and fixations of a child (Child).

Many people feel the need to get into fights with those closest to
them or intrigues with their friends in order to stay interested.

2011-06-12T18:22:00.000+08:00

its sorta hard to keep a promise to myself
was suppose to finish it today but nvr started
this sorta mental blocks from not having enough inspirations stops me
after looking through the blog, i suppose i found some idea on what to work towards and how to shape out the idea i had since 2 weeks ago.

now i suppose its up to me to get things done.
i suppose i could get my imaginary friends to help
and its really hard since my IFs are mostly creepy with some dark humor in them, that wouldn't fit the style i am trying to get to.

Gotta sort it out.

2011-05-29T22:35:00.001+08:00

it feels good to get in an entry here once in a while.
painting feels good, hours gone in a blink of an eye.
gotta get that fact into my head as i am procastinating again.
Adding snow when i havnt even experienced snow, photo references aint the way to go. Snow city isnt too.

1 week to go and ive got an idea on what to do, but havnt gotten the materials required. What am i trying to convey? How do i get it across?
Communication is never my strength.
this is the first time in years since i found a strong idea for a replacement of that lousy disco ball. Been looking around, but this sort of presentation that i wanted is hard to get to.
The memories made me feel good.
It made me remember life isnt just full of shit
but i know i cant strive and work in a sweathouse to get higher up the ladder. laddering is never my thing, even in the competitive games i play.
thus i know its never meant to be me to accompany her towards her goal.
i still like the prospect of it, and am willing to get tied back down but i wonder who i will become if that becomes reality.

Being stuck in this unknown made me stagnant.
i want to cherish the old but the future awaits.

never been a fan of facebook, but i suppose it has its uses.
looking at them 'camwhoring' ,for a lack of a better term, made me realized how much they've changed.
looking so bright, in my dark world

Now to paint some snow and a creepy environment.

2011-03-31T22:20:00.001+08:00

been a long time.
spent my hols mulling over stuff
really hate who ive become
ive been thinking, thinking so hard that its hard to get stuff done
i need a purpose
i had a purpose
i need a real solid one
little short term ones dont mean much to me
ive gotta know, gotta plot my path meticulously
i need to carry on but i cant

somehow perhaps i should have taken the jc route
keeps me from thinking that much
i think i need something to occupy me, give me a goal and entertain me

somehow i doubt singapore can provide the stuff i seek
the future is bleak
i cant see where i want to go.

people change i wonder if i have changed.

2011-01-04T22:05:00.000+08:00

today is a week after i took my unofficial break from FYP

i've been psycho-ing myself for a week now
with movies and 3D work
trying to get motivated to start work on the boring project
so damn s*c*d*f thingy

its been hard to work without a personal goal
at least with Nancy Sit (hao yi frm zhen qing)
i have been able to animate her facial expressions
they have never failed to make me laugh at the stuff i had drawn

this damn fyp
i have started doing the environment
and gave up pretty much an hour later
after doing color studies and gathering references

i seriously hope i can get back on thurs
might post an update
tmr is for catching up

reading Eldest agn for the ___ times
how i love the depth stories have
which life right now lacks
its the same with games which pretty much fills my life atm

perhaps a little alcohol(not beer) and a good book might get me started agn
x stuff sure didnt, getting repetitive and boring

Sleeping early to get ready for tmr
tmrs another day off but ima get rdy for thurs.

2011-01-04T01:22:00.000+08:00

Mr Nobody
awesome movie
though a little confusing like the butterfly effect

its not a coincidence abt the protaganist's lover

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU_aIfityBQ

2010-12-30T21:12:00.000+08:00

i've been feeling depressed lately

no mood to do anything cept slacking
4 months in the same seat is really taking its toll
i cant even get started on what needs to be done

is life really this difficult?
i want to model out this epic level for UDK yet i couldnt
following the tuts i think i am the dumbest person around

Both mind and body are wasted away
how do i carry on

this really sounds like a suicidal thought

somehow, i've always thought of her everytime i get this sort of 'periods'
its seriously wrong of me to continue after so long
wat is WRONG WITH ME???

people dont get what i am trying to say because i am messed up
brains a swirling mess of thoughts
i need a long holiday

i've never believe in religious prayer
mayhaps i need them to get it over
playing games make me feel the void
being imitations of life themselves, they lack the life and interaction of actual human to human relationship.

i feel so empty.

i wanna talk to lou
but... i dont know waht to say

i wanna talk to cy
but i dont know how to phrase my thoughts

i wanna talk to
but i fear i will overreact

pon-ning those lessons was easy, the thought of talking to them makes me shudder with fear.

Final Year feels really empty
the F office environment sucks
without the warmth of a class
having team projects just sucks

HAIZ.
Gonna Gunz.

2010-11-06T21:45:00.000+08:00

爱 changed the way i looked at how relations go.
it made me think of my 'break'
after being taken advantage of, lele is still willing
to be back with shixian.
after much confrontations and remininsce(sp), they got back together.
thinking abt the way they reconcile(sp), i figured we(my case) never did have a chance of getting back.
we didnt have as many memorable memories that i can think of. it helps me understand why she left. being uncertain, caught up in the torrent of exams, figured i did be willing to give up on something to secure my future.

probably i wanted to find out how long i am willing to hold on, how long i intend to spend figuring ways out to get inner peace that i am still not looking for anyone.

too much eye candy is bad for the body.

do i still like her as much as before? probably not.
the feeling i get now is due to not getting an answer face to face,
be it yes or no, the answer will probably make me put it down.
its the feeling of letting her down because i became irrational,
gave up my studies and drown myself in gaming.
i cant even be her friend after the several years we spent
being rather close.
but i guess its alright, i m not a ppl person.

but in the case of minsc's her,
its a different matter.
she probably feels dirty and not willing to commit
thus hops from one to another when she feels they are getting too close.
i may be dead wrong.

but i like the way life is now.
i do not wish to get tied down by life thus i guess its best
i remain single.(for now?)

2010-08-13T23:03:00.000+08:00

i wanted to find myself, the true me within the fantastic worlds that others create
yet i only found the similarities they have with the real world
repetitive, cold and full of conflict

everything out there want to make u unique, the best, the strongest
yet when compared plainly with others,
they make u seem so insignificant

if being unique is thru using ur feelings and ways of expressing
everyone will sooner or later copy that
uniqueness feels similar.
how do i create something that a pessimist like me will not find any faults with it?

i feel drained
the little creative juices i have is virtually nonexistent now
seeing so many games with about the same experiences make me think abt my future
its like ima another dumb grunt going into war following
how do i create when almost -_- everything has been done before
probably by having another point of view
but it doesnt come
because i seldom read nowadays
of what i read calms me and betters my day
but it doesnt make me do more creatively
time i spent dwelling on problems
its hard to concentrate when u have many modules
yet its hard to create something unique when u have only 1 goal
which probably many have already done similar things before you.

worlds within worlds
psychology if i fail at games designing.

2010-06-27T01:23:00.002+08:00

now i have spent 12 of 14 days of hols not doing work
i have 2 days to do 2 wks of work
epic

i dont know why i cant find the drive anymore
i lost it since then
found a little bit of it
but it aint as strong as it was

i really do wan to move on, to study/work more
but nothing seems to get my unwavering attention
they do catch my eye but soon i will lose the attention

as my 19 bdae wish
i hope to:
1. figure out my drive
2. another cheese cake
3. get a 1 day date with anna
4. spend a day not worrying but doing

somehow including the date made me smile
but i know it cant happen
did my hopes meter reached zero cos i have been spending much of it on anna
like the song
shes young, and i shouldnt depend on her so much
each of us are dependent on someone else
me to my wishful thinking
the thing wif cy is tt i dont worry abt myself when i m wif him
yet when i tink abt it
i feel all torn inside
its this feeling abt the future, my immediate concerns and myself.

this love
been poisoning me
yet i take the toxic willingly
is it only with this toxic that i can live on?
when, how can i find a replacement
it really is dangerous
having chat wif anna agn on fb
i 'saw' her face agn
'heard' her voice agn
yet it cant wake me frm my slumber

2010-06-17T21:51:00.001+08:00

since blogger cant work ima post this since i need to type something.

every year, this day
i kept thinking
how can i improve on my presents to make it memorable
...how can i do something that make my heart stop loving her
mayb i really cant lose to my head saying tt i will give up
but at least thinking of something satisfy me
am i going on the right track?

seeking to get a day with her, just to clarify
like lou said, she is a she, they dont normally clarify things out.
but its been this long...
it should be easy to say fuck u, get out of my face
this words will stick with me

2010-06-17T21:31:00.002+08:00

here am i again
wondering wat meaning does life have
how does one continue doing his mundane monotonous life.
watching the little things in life helps
but how does one cope with the boredom
the boredom that comes from
reading those books u had read agn and agn
watching those animes u had watched agn and agn
playing those games u had played agn and agn
finding new things,
u wont feel safe
the need to invest more time and money?
no way.

holidays
a time to work and play
how does one even balance them?
i prefer bursts of each
thus i spent 1/2 of my hols playing/slacking/daydreaming
the nxt half, i wonder if i can finish my work on time.
i really need a break
not some half-assed 2 weeks working spree
tat i wasted 1/2 of it not doing anything

the only thing keeping me frm stopping
is the desire to see each person i know become who they are in the future.
mine looks kinda bleak now.

once i can work patiently till 10
then chat happily till 12
it was a time when those 2 hours are therapautic
mayb tts who i need, another listener in my life.

talking to anna agn made me livelier for the day
somehow i still felt that special connection
that my instincts tell me
yet somehow it reminded me of how
i will possibly treat her if she really became my gf

will it be thru counselling that i can get myself out of this stupor?
i feel like a drunk cept that its this meaningless routine that i m stuck to
nothing much now keeps me entertained for long

i want to stop and think
but i keep stopping to worry.

2010-05-30T18:55:00.002+08:00

how did i get past secondary sch i kept asking myself
is it due to my 'infatuation' that i am able to keep up with the demands of sec sch life?
is it that i need to prove myself to be top of the cohort or at least comparable with the one i am 'infatuated' with?
or is it due to my classmates that i am able to survive
seeing them chatting, acting stupid and joking around is to me one of the finest enjoyments of life although i always stay behind my almost impassive face.

the troubles cy has, has affected me too
it made me rethink my motivations to keep moving
if gaming has kept me going, what do i do when there are no games left for me to play or having not enuf gaming time
now i m suffering cos i am lacking a good, soul-enriching game to play.
today i has 2 hw left each needing around 6 hours each... i wonder if i can finish it.

having taken a love survey
the results are kinda astonishing.
it said i m someone who will chase after a person with all my heart but when i gotten what i wanted, i m gonna stop and not give attention to her anymore
personally i feel that is accurate information
yes i do love her even till now mayb becos i couldnt get wat i wanted till now
and i m afraid that i will hurt any girl that loves me too.

being on facebook has been awesome.
u hear lots of gossip kinda like back with my classmates
but it made me felt even more empty
so near yet so far comes to mind.
the same qns i asked myself sometime ago, cy asked me agn
how can she go on with her life even though we broke.
mine mayb isnt as serious
but i still do gaze at her photo, wondering how can she still smile so happily while i m still hurting badly.

most of the time i m happy
but stuff happens and i write all my thoughts here.
of those that read this blog, who had their opinions changed, who blacklisted me, who still care for me, i dont know, but i m kinda public abt such stuff.

today might be a relapse since i m stressed over hw.

2010-05-14T21:17:00.003+08:00

i will support you if u are still single at 35. said chun yin.
it felt weird as a guy, but its a bet to remain single.
how do people actually get into a relationship?
by chance or choice?
of wat chance do i have meeting someone that both of us have mutual feelings for?
if given a choice will anyone go out with me?
those questions sound nerdy
of people i know, know about my devotion
of people i dont, know about my i-dont-speak-much side.
of the things i loved abt myself
is that i can keep smiling
and that i give off that look when i look into people's eyes.
my physical build has deteriorated.
i never looked handsome
i dont have much achievements
i have no talents
i shut myself in.
is it my mentality, my upbringing and my problems that made me so?

of chun yin
hes a pillar
my second best friend (best is my mind)
his 'blind' love made me ponder if i can still love

if i were to chose
will i know how to choose?
what kept me from finding another girl is amazingly this sentence
lust not from the loins but love from the heart, quoted from a hentai
of each girl i wanted to court
i asked myself this question
do i want to love her with all my heart?
i cant, i find myself saying
this familar face always appears
i tried to forced it aside with lust, it didnt budge.
finding myself an oddity for not spending my youthful days chasing girls but instead
compelling myself to love(?) just one girl.

i have already became a burden to her.
so there is no chance for her to accept me agn.
of what my intuition tells me,
2 emo kids cant be together, they did only get depressed
she seems lively without me in her life.
forgotten, chucked aside to somewhere only i can discover,
do i know i cant get back into her heart?
do i know i cant spend years asking myself the same questions
do i know my mind is telling me i have to try getting girls agn

i shall spend a portion of my years doing something for her, as a last gift
i hope this will let me forget.
i loved the people i love the most with all my heart, but is this love a burden?

i still havnt ask lou abt her reply.

2010-04-30T21:23:00.002+08:00

having asked louisa to ask whether i can get in touch with anna,
i asked myself
whats stopping me from asking that myself as was most of the things i done in sec sch, getting help frm louisa.
every time i start to think abt anna,
lots of emotions start to overwhelm me
sorting them out 1 by 1 prove to be a painstaking task.
of them,
i still felt love, but of a different sort than before.
wats b4 was obssessive
now its tt sort that ask how shes been, knowing how emo she always was
if it wasnt love tt kept me wanting to see her agn
is it the fact tt i have been denied the promise of being steads?
being denied, i sought to be told in the face tt i aint good enuf
as compared to sparring, not striking back is an insult
i need to see tt f-up, angry face tt says it all.

a week had passed since i asked louisa
if i talked to anna agn
will it make me desire her more
will it make me lose my mind
will it release me frm my prison
firstly i seek forgiveness for my actions
then i ask tt i be her fren agn
if all the surveys i took gave me the quality of strength,
how cant i stand the temptation
i seriously hope she could take those surveys and give me a sort of reference to her
was it the memory of her tears tat stopped me frm talking to her?

its been so long
so long i had almost forgotten what kind of character she has
after all as a straight-minded person, i never lie to my heart.

every post heres been an emo one...
i wonder if the air cadets has seen stuff like this

2010-03-13T23:01:00.002+08:00

what job
pays 10 an hr
be popular for 9 hours
and get wacked, spun and pushed at the same time
without retaliating?

being the cutest,
aside from another with the same job at the IT show.
u see the many faces of singaporeans/PRs/foreigners

yes they sure love you... for that 9 hours
love in the form of
a simple good job/good luck pat on the back
a harder smack
an aggressive drumming
and the occasional
photo-taking session
and thats the most ironic part
the most chio girl can wave at you, beckoning you to take a photo with them
9 hours later,
they can stare at u in the face, and give the do-i-know-you face

o well
i look forward to the 370 i earned as a mascot at the IT show.

2010-03-02T20:41:00.002+08:00

being asked questions always brings out some points that u most likely missed when debating with urself
so as always, chun yin asked this qn:
have u found anyone that u want to know better?
normally i did reply, yup u know me best, its still her
i found myself answering tat i had given up.

looking at the photos tat are on anna's blog
strangely enough, they didnt excite me as much as they used to
guess she finally inserted photos when she's certain that after such a long time, i wont have this sort of sudden spike of emotions for her.
i did want to apologize to her.
but always i found myself typing some idiotic paragraphs on how confused i m, how much i missed her, y i cant stop, etc.
what i really do want is for her to meet me face to face.
i'm gonna say i still love her.
get smacked.
apologize and
End it.
this sort of feelings that causes outrageous outbreaks are meant to be stopped abruptly with force.
hearing a stop it, expressions that convey the same msg, esp the eyes.
that will do.
And i guess one of the main reasons i really cant get over it,
is due to the fact that i aint proficient at finding gfs or have a wide social network to get acquainted with other girls.
as such i m resolved to b single.
cy got afraid that i might become gay and sat a few more paces away from me.
*through this 'relationship'
i discovered i am a person who remembers ppl by their movements, famous phrases and how much they matter to me

on a side note,
ba zhang asked me to meet up with him b4 he gets dragged to Tekong.
i found myself thinking what should i talk with him abt.
after all we only know each other thru the eraser/chess gang.
i doubt i m considered a real fren compared to louis and wen yuan.

SCREWED

2010-01-29T17:39:00.002+08:00

its my fault actually...
gamed too much, slack too much, think too much. ( respectively of the time spent on each )
Might failed my web design module again.
this means no 2nd chances and will be kicked out.
i got everything prepared, checked lots of references,
but guess i overestimated myself.
the little confidence i gained on my 2nd run, was lost.
somehow everything felt negative.
m i going into depression??
i really wonder...

but tats tat
i asked for a postpone
it might not happen
thus i tot thru,
NS
Try to get in poly, psychology? or mayb i will stick with media design.
Work while waiting
think abt those that alrdy have their As while i m in NS / studying
get pwned
i guess i m kinda prepared.
BUT i will make a last stand.
Tonight and Tomorrow.
hope i dont play and cant stop.

2010-01-07T23:29:00.002+08:00

I find myself really stupid.
i willingly gave 60 bucks to a lady. ( no not tat kind )
she showed me 2 of her used-up asthma inhaler,
sprouted some kind of story.
I believed in that story.
i asked her whether she has any family members, where she stays
she said nope, i dont have any. ( sounds kinda far-fetched for singaporeans, ya? )
"I really need money for getting 2 inhalers plus doctor fees, its about 80$"
*cough *cough ( looks real, feels kinda professional )
Then i gave her $60
she did asked for more, but i said i m still a student, i had helped u enough.
then i left.
she didnt stopped me, so i assumed she too understands how much i had helped her.
i really wonder if i did a good deed by helping her.
chun yin would have said that i m stupid, and should just walked away.
aw well
as i always said to those that cheat me of money, they are the ones that sinned and not me, may God punish them. ( I m a freethinker, ima hoping thor will strike them )

2009-12-26T21:31:00.002+08:00

at last a day when i have things to write about.
i have been so devoid of smses tat i actually wanted to see smses wishing me merry christmas even thou i usually shrug it off, saying its no big deal, getting such smes.
i still feel i need to improve the star projection thingy i "made" the day b4 ROD, with Maya of cos, probably its thrown away, but ya i did promise after all tat i have to improve it.
next year's resolution: create a world like Avatar the Movie. Mine of cos.

i happen to chance upon the korean drama series, with a rather big family, that broadcasts during the weekends. how it affected me i cant write it out in words, but it sure did make an impact in me.

As a web designer, i seriously need to improve my blog. or i gotta create a clean one.

2009-08-24T22:47:00.001+08:00

you noe, its realli funny that till some time this year then do i noe the meaning of
the 3 little stars inside the little bottle
filled with sand
yet i think i felt it when i received it.

after everytime i listened to chun yin talked abt his stuff,
i feel that everything i felt returned for that moment
how my life went on is how he intends to live.
being pessimistic/ depressed is jus how i choose to descibe they are currently in.
the words ppl use to describe wat they are feeling makes them feel that way.
change DEPRESSED to CALM B4 ACTION / ON THE ROAD TO A TURN-AROUND (taken from Awaken the Giant by Anthony Robbins)
there are certainly more empowering words that can change something for the better

Failed a module: web design
going to repeat bcos
1. i dont noe myself yet to create a portfolio that realli describes me
2. dislike THISFashion (going to expose myself to more fashion and like it)
3. Not enough portfolio pieces to make myself stand out.
4. not enuf knowledge of HTML.
Going to use the time i repeat to improve my portfolio.

Currently doing a simple game
Reverse TD
Students vs Teachers

Who am i again?

2009-06-21T21:33:00.003+08:00

i m lost
i dont know who i m currently
this 2 years, i feel i have done nothing realli great
what i had done, ppl can do better
what i wanted to try i had no time
what i wanted to do i cant start
now happens to be the time i need to finish tons of work
i slacked off 9 days of my 2 weeks hols
i wonder how am i gonna get at least a C
i said i wanted to excel but how can i when i cant start my work?
i remember i felt that way once in sec 3 or 4, cant realli remember, i was lost for 2 weeks
i didnt talk to ppl... i got emo, distracted and lost
2 weeks,
i dont have time to be lost
yet i need to be lost to find myself
going out today after trapping myself for a week felt great
but i still cant start my work...
mayb i jus need to cut my hair or on the aircon

and the drawing... i havnt adjusted it yet...

how the hell did i get lost...
forcing me to start at 10 pm.
it felt better after blogging abt it

2009-05-19T22:10:00.003+08:00

Progress in NYP is rather slow.
with 17 hrs a week in DMD games, its hard to move ahead of other game designers.
but then i enjoyed my lessons, especially Visual art techniques, or vart.

Here are some examples of my work.

We Learn as We Play -frm every games student

No time for emo blogs, nows the time to chiong for nxt year is my final year, Attachment to Blizzard!!!jk jk.... thats seriously hard.

Aims by this Year End:

1. model Gundams

2. model self-designed Character

3. improve photoshop painting

4. model / create Lego Sets

2009-02-15T20:26:00.002+08:00

1 year back it never occur to me that i will never do anything seriously without the thought that this certain thing i do will help me be closer to her
now what i do is for a passion,
although i do things a little slower, i dont feel a need to do everything perfectly
i can do it my way, my style, my pace
a portion of who i am still denies 1 fact till now.
then again, its blind, jus keeping that image in my mind
sooner or later i will have forget even her face
and i tink she would have forgotten bout me
for i bring much sadness into her starry world
i feel i have done little to make her remember me.
humans remember happiness more then sadness,
i m sure someone would have filled the gap long ago
someone who can bring happiness, companionship
much more like a friend, but closer.
i "marry" myself to my work, hobbies and games now,
wait i said, till when? others replied. till... i dont noe
mayb the next time we meet, i will be behind looking at this familar back, close beside some other person
i sure hopes he noes how to Gunz and fence. then will i submit peacefully.

2008-12-14T21:44:00.002+08:00

there is ever this time when u feel that u have grown,
the difference between who u were and who u are now.
this 1 yr did me well i tink
for me i have matured enough
somehow all the long tiring periods i spend "counselling " louisa is rewarding
to me,
its a test of how i can keep a friend, convince them and to keep them
after being "hacked, uprooted and trashed",
it seems to me i can never ever keep a close relationship with someone
till of cos louisa and chun yin.
long periods of talk and counselling we provide for each other created strong bonds with each other. this i noe will last on long enough
friends can "taunt" each other without fear of the other being angry, if said at the right moment and timing.
today, i missed the chance to talk to anna (i tink), jus because i nid to go to the toilet. louisa did a brave thing yesterday.
she "confronted" that guy and gotten some answers,
me, i m still stuck on whether i should "confront" anna.
well, of cos i noe she has moved on. 3 days isnt long but its a first.
mayb its the mentality
with every part of the human anatomy i try to draw well
i tell myself
this represents that certain part of anna
so i mus draw her well.
but then now, all i have is still the feeling, much i have forgotten
replacements are everywhere
but the feelings bind a person to another.
i hope to sort them out personally, face to face if possible
if only she could tell me what i wan to noe
and i could tell her what she wan to noe.
devils, one mus face before moving on to greater heights.
that i noe for sure.

its 10 pm
was the time i enjoyed the most, most anxious to reach and longed for it to stay.
sms reminds me of the obssessive thought i had, now its passed, and i hope to keep the friendship.

Fear

2008-11-11T21:39:00.002+08:00

if you begin to face your fears, something bittersweet is going to happen to you: you'll grow up. you'll lose your dependency on the grown-ups of the world, because you realise that there is no time, no age, at which fear suddenly fades and you become one of those impervious beings. you'll realise the difference bwtn success and failure isnt absence of fear but the determination to pursue your heart desires no matter how scared you are.

finally, you'll realise that fear is the raw material from which courage is manufactured. without it, we wouldnt even know what it means to be brave. as you go forward, it will gradually transform into confidence and compassion.

2008-11-11T21:24:00.002+08:00

FOCUS + DISTANCE = CLARITY
-deconstruct to reconstruct
in everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. it is then burst into flames by an encounter with another human being. we should be thankful for those that rekindle the human spirit

challenges to vision come from all directions, and at all times. it's life- conflicting demands, unexpected downturns, even innovations that change competitive landscapes and may lure you off your vision's course. but when it is fueled by personal passion, it is unswerving, unstoppable, always in focus, immune to distraction, never in doubt.

suffering is horrible, but it's a small price to pay for love, and you'll keep doing it until you figure out that you're operating under false premise. the truth is that ppl will love you much more honestly and easily if you give up suffering and fill your life with joy.

people who dont resist grief, who let it flow thru them, come out more resilient on the other side. they are less afraid of loss, more able to soften the pain of those around them, and quicker to appreciate whatever happiness life brings. ironically, it is those who accepted the most terrible grief who are capable of greatest joy.

2008-11-11T21:17:00.002+08:00

today i lost a thumbdrive.
it seems so stupid to post bout a thumbdrive but its a storage of my memories, something i tried hard to find and keep safely.
i gotta find it!
i lost it once and im gonna find it again, i hope...
this feeling of being lost doesnt seem like me...
i hasnt felt this feeling for a long time.
the disappointment i felt towards myself is immense... how can i forget such a thing.
mayb its small and hidden, but it is important
how can i lose it...
tmr 8am gotta find my thumbdrive!
if its lost i gotta find it, if its gone i will replace it, if its found i will treasure it.
.... lame.... lll=.=

2008-09-22T21:04:00.003+08:00

getting nervous over a minor operation, like a dental operation is surely wimpy of me.

when others are fretting over promos, i m here worrying about my dental operation.

when others are mugging, i m wasting time.

when ppl get wiser, i m here trying hard to express myself through drawings.

i jus feel inadequate. damn even my spellings gotten worse.

every time or so, when i feel seriously down, i take a walk down other ppl's blogs.

those ppl that had spured me on, when they get depressed or emo, it makes me feel stronger,

a purpose to be stronger, a need to try and protect them... sadly, i can only get better without this ppl knowing what my progress is.

after so long those 3 ppl that gave me much, i feel further and further, weaker and weaker due to the distance. the con of an introvert, u remember things too long...

2008-08-12T19:32:00.002+08:00

today.
feels weird.
i prepared myself mentally to receive greetings of haapy bdae.
guess i ask for too much.
even frm ppl once close to me.
i m not doubting them, jus mayb they r busy wif sch work.
this is my quietest bdae.
its normal, quiet and peaceful.
no freaking ppl telling me if anna is jus around the corner or wanting her to come over.
good days never last, but they will come.
eating my cheese cake just now, i rememebered that a bunch of frens bought me a whole cheesecake.
how nice that was. 1 whole cheesecake to myself. i had it for breakfast, lunch and dessert the following day.
its my bdae today, but i feel incomplete. . . much is still missing. the essentials i guess.
now i realli wonder if the promise i tried to keeep will come true.
i still yearn to hear the voice, to see the face and to feel the smile.
like ppl always say ur chakra will rise to 100% even when u r at 0% jus becos of....

2008-08-02T16:41:00.003+08:00

my first 2 successful, nice-looking pictures i coloured using photoshop. it might suk to professionals. but its a start. i told chun yin that soon i can achieve the standard of Magic cards' drawings. i hope so too, by this year. afterall, we are supposed to reach standard by then.

my day-time pict. green house =_= autumn feel to it. bit hazy by the way.

night time pict. might seem to dark yeah. but i tink my photoshop one looks better compared to the png one. lights are dimmed at the house to make the shooting star the focal point.

3 weeks of hard work.

studio project and portfolio coming up.

2008-06-21T23:57:00.002+08:00

sometimes, when u talk to someone u lost contact with, with tots of not even seeing the person...
u wont noe wat to say,
u are even more careful of wat u say, for fear of repeating the same mistakes.
if u say it the same way again, u will fall the same way, jus that its much more painful.
if u say it the new way, wats new? more careful? more restrain?
but how can u convey wat u wanna say.... if u dont say wat u wanna say.
feelings jus pour out when u wan to say something, even in the written form.
even with the delete button, i cant press myself to delete certain words, certain sentences.
cos i dont believe i m human if i delete them.

-freedom is wat everbody desires-
isnt it jus the same??

2008-06-19T15:41:00.002+08:00

The Introvert Advantage.
-Innies draw energy frm ideas, emotions and impressions,
there isa need to limit social exp so they wont get drained
they are energy conservers (rechargable batteries)

-Outie are energised by the external world, thru activities, ppl, palces and things.
they are energy spenders, dislike internal contemplation, alone and understimulated.
(solar panels)

Main difference
1) refuelling
-Innies need to calculate how much energy something will take, how much they need to conserve then plan accordingly.

2) stimulation
-Outies like to exp alot, they generalise.
-Innies like to know what they exp, prefering depth.
jus being around ppl drains energy. even though they like ppl, but after talking to anyone, they usually fell a need to move away.

3) breath & depth
Innies like to delve deeply into topics and look for richness, when they are interrupted, lots of energy is needed to regain conc. they zone out when overstimulated. what drives Innies into center stage is often diff frm what drives Outies, being a quest for work that has meaning.

4) How Brain works.
Innies have longer, slower acetylcholine circuit thus they:
-have a gd memeory but require time to rememeber.
-can forget things they do well
-are clearer bout ideas after sleeping on them
-may hav trouble getting motivated
-slow to react under stress.

-innies shut down external stimulation when they had enough. they need to compare external exp.
-their reluctance to spend much energy on socializing, is due to the preference over meaty conversations that nourishes them.
-energy conservation is also why they are very interested in the activities but sometimes prefer to oberserve rather than joining in.
-time is needed to think and they dont speak with spontaneity unless it's a familar subject.
-Innies dislike interrupting, so they might say something softly or without emphasis.
-Outies are mistrustful of Innies cos they do something outies hate- daring to suggest that they stop reacting before barging ahead.
-slower-paced Innies like to stop and smell the roses while Outies are like racehorses, they whinny and tug at the reins if you try to restrain them.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do & not doing it
___ Mary Wilson Little.

coincidence or is my intuition telling me to do something?

2008-05-18T17:24:00.003+08:00

ok, went library.
but when i m outside, the book-drop area, i noticed a familar tshirt.
guess wat.... a 4/5 tshirt.
looks familar... the way the person walks, hairstyle and height.
carries a red bag anyway...
nah... dont tink is her bah.
tried to track her..... mus seem psychotic....
o well, guess it serves as a signal to do something??
how to.... so i guess it's back to hardcore jogging to forget le la...
anyway, picked up a book called " The Introvert Advantage, How to Thrive in an Extroverted World", seems so interesting.
bought Warcraft 3 battlechest, wonder when can i play wif GH, NE vs UD. time to DotA too.

55th COC ( Cadet Officer Course )

2008-04-15T20:24:00.002+08:00

1st week: mostly lectures.

interesting for the first week.
kena called for presentation bout any topic.
i picked the one i had most confidence in.
Being a introvert, how to become an extroverted introvert (like me).
now i m remembered by the 55ths as the introvert.
being totally confident in an alien environment is kinda hard, u have to lower ur defences to accept others into ur life, but it's rewarding, letting u to gain new frens in the process.
then there is the trip to SDC, with veterans taking us on a trip to OCS where we get to see the military facilities. we got lotsa info on OCS.
As if i m sure to get into OCS... SISPEC will do for me.

2nd week: nothing much, just more leadership talk.
share to learn, learn to share.
4 diff types of ppl/leaders: Doves, Hawks, Peacocks, Owls.
I m a predominant Dove.

3rd week: Ar, more interesting, getting practical.
leadership situational tests,
getting victim over cargo net, getting equips over 'quicksand', building a basha with blindfolded members and spider web.
POP: today is my POP (PO, PO)
today is my POP (PO POP)
no more CDT, no more CLTs

today is my POP (PO PO)
today is my POP (PO POP)
no more cik Marthy, no more Chua Ah Di
today is my POP (PO POP, AH!!!)

haiz, sad sia. there is still another 6mths probation.

NYP with colors.

2008-04-15T20:20:00.002+08:00

1st day: blue.
2nd day: blue.

must realli wish the 3rd day to be orange.
i cant complain, poly life is so slack... isnt that wat i wishes for?
guess nyp promotes innovation, where we can all spend time day-dreaming and come up wif new ideas.
i m looking forward to the day when i can create a wonderful pict, then i can display it here.
all's well so far.

An Introvert's POV

2008-02-03T13:17:00.000+08:00

we heard about freedom of speech but wat about the freedom of silence?
being introverted does not necessarily mean being shy; it just means that ppl tire you out.
while extroverts need company like the energizer bunny needs batteries, introverts need to spend time alone.
Introverts dont harbour a grudge against the rest of the human race: "we love people... we just cant socialise with them all the time. we want to hold their hand or hug them or just sit quietly and read a book with them."
what introverts dont want to do is go to parties and make small talk.
But the world is filled with people who do- and they set the standard for what is considered normal.

-If u're an extrovert, be confident that the introvert nxt to u is enjoying ur company. If he isnt, dont worry abt it. it's not like he's going to tell u- (Companionable Silence)

If introverts run the world, it would b no doubt b a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place.
In a world run by introverts, a meeting would not last over an hour becos, they dont think by talking, they think by thinking.

Someone says: "you're so quiet I sometimes forget u are there."
Ouch! still, this could b ever useful if i ever decide to become a ninja. Or wallpaper.

From Review, sat, jan 26, 2008.
article can b found at www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch

some urge i have

2008-02-03T13:08:00.000+08:00

yesterday,
i felt a need to go guang jie.
dont noe y...
walked past mini toons.
saw this star item
i consider whether to buy it.
if i buy it, will it be like last time?
when it collected dust for 1 yr...
how can i ever...
this time i didnt buy it.
but i will looked at it and see if i can urged myself into buying it.
then e real task is to pass it.

valentine's coming,
now getting emo liao.
wat can i do?
even if i do, is it enuf?
will it change?
e strain will still b there.
its e 1st one, i still hav to get thru more i told myself.
this feeling is too strong le.
my mind keeps fleeting to her...
sometimes at night,
mostly in e day. now too.
its some sadness, even emotional discipline cant teach me to control.
i believe it will affect me, till some time long, long frm now.
songs are wat tells best.
so long never visit ppl's blog, cos i wonder if i will get hurt again.

2008-01-24T18:32:00.000+08:00

-when we do e impossible, we realise we r special people.

-success is e ability to go frm failure to failure without losing ur enthusiasm.

-use watever talent u possess; woods would b v quiet if on bird sings except e best.

-Daring ideas are like chess men moved forward. They mayb beaten, but they may start a winning game.

-I would rather b able to appreciate things i cannot have than to have things i am not able to appreciate.

-Never Fear Shadows, it only means there is light nearby.

-For The truly faithful, no miracle is necessary. For those who Doubt, no miracle is suficient.

-By starving emotions, we become humorless, rigid and sterotyped; by repressing them, we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged they perfumed life; discouraged, they poison it.

-The more u try to avoid suffering, the more u suffer becos smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture u in proportion to ur fear of being hurt. ----- Thomas Merton

-Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary storm. No matter how raging the billows are today, remind urself: 'this too shall pass"

-Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursed, is always beyond our grasp, but which if u sit down quietly, May alight upon u. -----Nathaniel Hawthorne

2008-01-24T18:23:00.000+08:00

15 pts.
tot i could do better...
well, i cant be too sad as i managed to balance all my subs.
mostly B3s...
A1 for combined sci, A2 for e maths.
i m a average student, cant expect much rite?
but i m a little upset bout bio,
didnt get A2, its supposed to be my best sub.
but tink it this way,
i lose 1, gained 5.
all other subs improved!!!
tts great!!!
i intend to go NYP.
Digital Media Design.
it may seem childish, but after all...
its a way of expressing myself visually,
kinda like Lit, but in e visual way.
an animator is like an author,
both tell stories,
its jus e way of expressing it.
Walt Disney, Here I Come!!!

Naruto ending 4. catchy song.

2008-01-20T16:06:00.000+08:00

Alive - Raiko
Everyone makes mistakes at times
It's not something embarrassing
Don't waste these scars
Keep on going laughing, and it'll all be good
(RAP)
That's right, breathe in a silent breath
Look to the vast sky, jump in
Take a break once in a while when it rains
Let the wind take the destination
All the regrets you carry
Can't let these scars go to waste
Carve an emblem into your arm, lets go as long as we love
That's right, from here on is the Show Time
Ah Like the past that lives in this fading polaroid picture
Just like the days we hung out
We searched for a place so we can sit in the sun
We fought every day like this
The one step you gotta take for your desire
A real fight for yourself
Let's sing this song forever in this place
Everyone makes mistakes at times
It's not something embarrassing
Don't waste these scars
Keep on going laughing, and it'll all be good
(RAP)
Morning dawn tells you the beginning
Between the borders of dream and reality
What's Say until the day my voice dies away
keep on truckin'
Another Day
All aboard ready to go
Develop a single road yeah
Soon flowers bloom along the way
And will spread its wing toward the future
Reality burdens real heavy but go for the top
Like a No Culture
A monkey can only be a monkey Oh
One can only be himself Yo
Before you worry about tomorrow with your head down
Be what you wanna be today
Rebirth, today's a fine day
I've got nothing to worry for
Reality leans heavy on me
And it's torturing me
Nothing comes easy
I know that well enough
Everyone makes mistakes at times
It's not something embarrassing
Don't waste these scars
Keep on going laughing, and it'll all be good
With all the regrets I've gone through
I'll be a person with taste
Even turn sadness into a wind
Keep on going strong, and it'll all be good
(RAP)
That's right, breathe in a silent breath
Look to the vast sky, jump in
Take a break once in a while when it rains
Let the wind take the destination
All the regrets you carry
Can't let these scars go to waste
Carve an emblem into your arm, lets go as long as we love
That's right, from here on is the Show Time.
(Ends)

so long, since i heard this. in my opinion, this is the best naruto ending.

Fencing training.

2008-01-18T20:26:00.000+08:00

-Poke- -Poke- -Poke-
this few pokes took long to hit.

training focuses more on e lower body.
1.2 km run (warm-up)
some painful stretches,
and e legs, 90,90 thing tt sir chen xi made us do. for some ditst.
frog jump, star jump....
say frm 1430-1700.

then e "realmatches"start
imagine.
O O
l ------ --------l
__________________

ur epee (air-peh/sword) is tt thin, bendy, slightly longer then ur hand.
even thou, u can kip moving back, u definitely need fancy footwork to avoid ppl poking.
ur main att is the lunge.
O
l----------
/``````I
/ L
great dexterity is needed to move.
a mind tt times ur atts
a strong right/left leg to support/move/recover in time.
1 hit to any part and e opponent scores a point.
for 1 hit to hit u, count to 5.
manipulate dist.
count to 30...

Fencing is a physically-demanding sport tt at e same time, requires mental strength to continue.
for e
-Poke- -Poke- -Poke-
3 hits.
XD. won several matches.

2008-01-05T20:19:00.000+08:00

Mass dancing.
kena sabo 3 times by facil.
thrice on stage, having to dance in front of J1s.
my skin had never been this thick b4.
still, its an experience.
dance partners r well... gd.
bet they cant tolerate my bad dancing...
cant seem to remember most of them, cept those tt involve my partner.
holding hands with my partners seem a little uncomfortable at first,
after time n practices, my hands soon felt comfortable with e touch.
of cos, e right hand is for mass dancing, e left is reserved.

met this guy called philip.
at first, we tot he is a weird one.
he doesnt participate in games, ice breakers, unlike most of us.
he reads stephen king while we play, retorts when we ask him qs and give some kind of twisted ans.
yet, when i played I-chess with him, he showed much potential.
an intellectual, pretending to b some fool...
taunt him at first, thus lost me 1st match,
then surprised him, when i won me 2nd match.
e 3rd, most likely to happen nxt week, if i can find him.

another, from hwa chong or was it RI?
talkative lamer.
more pro then gordon.
someday, they shall meet and talk it out.
he entertain us with lies, jokes and silly ans for 3 plus hrs.
resulting in most of us, having to clutch our stomachs, as we were laughing so hard.
keeps talking bout chio gals frm wat gal sch, wat gal sch... wondering if he should go RJC to jio some mei mei... he is one to b remember, as he call me the DIAO guy, keep diao-ing him till he wants to learn my secret XD

of cos, e gals in my IG.
hm, most of them frm CHIJ, curious bout guys, v talkative and Ah Lians with standard.
one reminded me of someone, yet she is those Ah Lians.
its wonderful to see if she will bcome like her...
wonder how guys like me survive round her...mayb tts y i take to taking a backseat whenever they start talking.
outstanding most appear to b.
being in a pure gal/guy sch certainly has its pros, them being so confident and interesting ppl to talk to.

on mon, we will no longer b together, since we r split into our classes.
taking Arts.
Geog, Lit, Econs and H1 maths.
Lit will b hell... wonder if i can even understand e teacher. she seems so dreamy...
ope i will b taking,
Bio, Chem, Maths and H2 econs... if i can get lower then 11 pts if i m to b in Cat.
nxt week, i will b fencing wif plastic swords. -poke- -poke-
funnily enuf, Su Shan also happens to sign up for fencing...
hm... taller, larger-then-me surface area fencing... still she has better reflexes and fancy footwork to back her up i bet.
me, i m just clumsy and my hand-eye co-ordination suks...

NExt weEk will sure b FUN!!!

my new JC

2008-01-02T18:20:00.000+08:00

first impressions,
not bad, not bad,
friendly IG ics, new ppl and new subjects to study.
started quite well...
became the most well-known person in my IG (team/group)
events are..... wat can i say, ice-breakers r meant to b boring.
same game, just diff ppl to play wif.

but sadly,
Amkss is still e best.
first, its TCS, most unique principle.... mayb Brother Paul was even weirder...
felt something amiss when i went into CJC's auditorium.
TCS's voice still stirs us i tink.
without teachers like MsDeepa, Mdm Anantha ...
felt lost.
must thank Suet Theng... at least bothered to wait.
Amos and Wen Yuan for being there and seeing some backs i saw for 4 yrs.

Now, its diff.
without my class... i seem even more bored.
no noisy Ting Yi, Xian Neng, Goh WT, JC,
cant even close my eyes and listen to their nonsense.
i miss their buzzing and seeing familar green-uniformed ppl.

and thanks GH, for informing me. but i m not supposed to know...
it stirs something "menacing"inside again.

-I will B Back-
o lou, i cant find tt guy.

2007-12-22T22:45:00.000+08:00

have been "tortured" by 2 frens.
keep talking bout their sweet sweet stuff...
cant get used to it.
and like chun yin says, i havnt experienced it b4, so cant understand...
mayb i dont,
yet i m convinced tt i know e meaning of simple, one-words that bring meaning to life.

ppl hav been hurt by their impulsiveness,
but dont ppl always say, strike e iron while its hot?
lolx, i believe in tt,
yet e results dont usually dont come desired.

but i have cultivated some values in me.
i give respect to those tt 'defeat'' me.
and my blessings to those that will live their future better
without me.
i can take it.
yes, i can.
for e future of those ppl i wan to see happy and not b burdened by me.
haiz, cant take those sweet sweet smses.... cos i m deprieved of them. =S

2007-12-03T20:12:00.000+08:00

my email.
rjchia@yahoo.com
welcome to gunz wif me or anything u/i
nid

Taiwan.

2007-12-03T19:55:00.000+08:00

most memorable events.

2 enormous boxes of firecrackers to myself.
lit both in the open and ran like hell.
200 NT each box.
cant compare to malaysia.
u cant even lit one big box to urself.

big wooden house.
say, size of 2 five-room flats
it got shaky in the middle of the nite.
wind outside was howling,
temperatures inside dropped.
but its best, covered by my blanket, sleeping comfortably.

Amazing food!
got fat over these few days.
Gao Xiong nite market, shilin nite market, food everywhere!!!
like the tour guide says, "u wont get home if u didnt gain at least 3 kg"

now i come back, ready for another day, another year, another obstacle

2007-12-03T19:51:00.000+08:00

this is getting sian.
dont wan to work, yet all the ppl around me r working...
is it too late to consider??
i wan to spend my hols to refresh myself,
play some lego, spend my time immerse in my dreams,
trying hard to make it reality.
wats lego, can come true 1 day.
mayb make flash movies, DIY-way.
cos i noe when i starting working,
my horns and wings will grow,
none shall stand in my way,
when i get money and freedom.
i nid to control !!!

2007-10-27T10:25:00.000+08:00

if thats how i will be remembered as, i m ok wif it.
started like some idiot, ended like another idiot.
just becos i dont noe.
i cant blame myself for not feeling the vibrations,
and i cant blame the others for not calling me.

yes.
soon it will b a memory.
i hav learnt to let go.
again, i mus stress this to myself.
1 week of Os went by, so much time to tink bout my mistakes.
so much time to GUNz.
nxt week bloody scared.
eng and maths.
C5 and A2 maybe. but how do one get better at english??
maths has always been a bane, sure get thrashed by it.

now i cant even trust my eyes, my ears and logic.
most now hurt me, becos of the extra info they provide me wif.
waiting to PDS again wif cadets immediately after Os.
WooHOo

2007-10-16T07:59:00.000+08:00

fine.
i admit.
i got no courage to go forward to pass it to u.
no going to rebut.
i alrdy know its time to go my way in peace.
i juz want it to end tt way.
my way.
then we can forget, for u will remember only my way of "goodbye",
not the process of saying it.
how makes a difference,
why cant be explained,
processes are always overlooked.

i was juz wondering if i gav away tt chance myself.
if i did, its my loss.
wat lou intends to do, i will object and reject.
even if it succeeds.
there is a lesson to b learnt.

i will always be a Assassin in your eyes.
forever the knight will take the glory, while the sin hides in darkness.
only to aid when darkness arrives.
its always those tankers tt take it. but the supporters tt do all e job.

-pow- god-like!!! enemy champion has fallen, ji3 juz got a kill.

saved by another tv show.

2007-10-13T21:33:00.000+08:00

understood after watching catwoman.
somethings i prefer to tell chun yin then lou.
not becos he more impt but easier to tell him then lou.
freedom is power.
those tt are bounded, need to b free.
misunderstood-ed ppl need to b understand.
cos they r unique
and they insist nobody will understand them,
and ppl will not understand.
is it becos no one listens or becos they didnt give enuf chance and time to be understood.
those tt feel this way,
like cats after all.
and i do love cats.

-INDEPENDENT-

sorri to lou. tt i said stupid stuff like leave me alone.
but i needed e time to.
how much trust can u giv a person?

die. kena mild insomia le...

2007-10-12T12:15:00.000+08:00

slept at 1 plus
today woke up at 5
jus becos of a photo.
so hyped till cant sleep.
if this goes on, dont ever tink i nid coffee le.
just one look beats all the caffaine.

natural smiles r the best.
so dam stupid arent i??
juz one to overkill...
eyes can be glued for dont know how long...
eyes closed le still think too much.

I THINK ITS AN ADDICTION!!!
a stupid one somemore...
imagine if ppl hears bout it...
ha, jk jk
i dont mind.

2007-10-11T23:38:00.000+08:00

today=farewell assembly.

lotsa photos taken. but i missed the 2/5, 05 class photo.
no regrets. after all... i still have my yearbook.
everyone will b there.
its a matter of whether i will remember their faces when i see them on the streets someday.

lets just say, i will go back definitely.
i m a senior, "CLT" for NCC AiR. so must (will) go back.

the farewell was e most fun assembly ever.
alma mater dear...
my only enjoyable school song sung.

Alma mater dear, mater dear.
the only song i sung wif pride and gusto besides the NCC song and National Anthem.
screamed till hoarse. woohoo, best school song ever.

only things i missed:
1. cant play chess wif former 2/5 ppl le.
2. my own memories.
still wan to see them everyday. 4 yrs is after all, no short period spent together.
3. familar faces and voices.
4. Jin Cheng.
5. _______

next, had steam boat wif 4/4 classmates.
eat from start till almost 10 still not full...
Sianz. eating wif chun yin at Chong Pang more filling...
still can drink bubble tea after tt.

for no reason, del hug me... thrice somemore...
lots of photo, too bad my cam no battery le.
then ceci say some things.
like wat can i do even if i know that... stop them?? call them??
thats suicidal, suicidal.
its emo time, let them emo lor.
last time to emo together anyway...

too bad, cant take a full long video of every memory in my brain.
if not i can make Goh wei ting act toad over and over again. HAHA!!!
cant think of a reply. will reply immediately after "O"s

fighting against the impossible is fun, making it the reality is how hard you believe in it.
i m going to be a counsellor that think deeper to words i give those that i counsel. i wont make them think tt frens are seasons.

even if they r, every spring will b one,
summer will b another,
autumn will b another,
winter will b another.
the order is fixed. there can b no change. no no.

sticking to one is my speciality, no change.

sweet voices...

2007-10-10T19:43:00.000+08:00

its enuf le.
thru phone jiu thru phone lor.

btw,
thanks
to Ba Zhang, aka Mingwei.
ty ty
but i not sure if our L1 R5 will be same,
besides...
dont u tink going poly is a waste??
mayb like me u like certain courses...
but tell u my idea.

i go JC 1st then poly.
i wan take A-lvl as private candidate, if possible
take onli my fav subjects.
at e same time learn more and can apply to poly course.

ty MW and Ghao . just cos at least u replied.
wonder when can play chess again... =(

frens wif voices
frens wif signals
frens in actions
these r better remembered then just picts, words and vague memories...

from experience

2007-10-07T12:23:00.000+08:00

mind says "forget it, its not something wrong. u r not 2 b thinking bout it"
heart says "i need to know the truth (shouting for a reply! jus reply, any will do)
mind says "its better if u dont noe, u will b spared from all"
heart says "Affirmative! but can i juz noe a bit??"
-limbs follows action-
eyes see: something heart doesnt like
heart thinks: i realli shouldnt... now i will tink too much again.
mind comforts heart "it comes from experience, observe and then act. not on impulse. like last time"
-then hibernation process starts on heart, set for 2 months (mayb shorter)-

somethings i couldnt say.

2007-10-07T10:04:00.000+08:00

i wonder y tink so much bout farewell.
its after all, another 'temporary' goodbye.
by luck, chance or fate, u will get to see them someday.
as another passer-by on the road.
someone u can juz dao,
someone u can juz giv a smile to,
but it is tt 4 yrs tt u had tt makes u feel tt person is special.

farewell, i wont do something.
i will juz sit 1 corner,
take photos of my frens and other fellow sec 4s.
jus the moments will do,
being known to ppl who i made a difference to.
jus sit there as a normal me will.
sit there to look at all the passer-bys
wondering how many will actually remember me.
i m afterall, an introvert.

4 yrs, familar faces, some i will see again, most i wouldnt.
but at least i hav a yrbook wif me.
jus a look.
to remember those youthful faces, those cheecky faces, those emo faces
faces r afterall, the most memorable.
what distinguishes is the s,mile.

ppl will fade as we go by, soon they will just be a speck of memory in ur brain when u r older...
how long do memeries last??
another 4 yrs???
or as long as 14 yrs??
or even longer longer??

these few weeks of "studying"
made me realise much.
i shall not talk, jus observe.
for much tt comes out, hurt ppl.
that wall wif bloody knifes shall remained stained and dried.
it wont be bloodied again i guess....
as i wont hav tt chance anymore.

is it e more u see, e more u long??
or
the less u see, e more u long??

2 more months of "hell" to pure joy or pure isolation and emoing.
its a choice and risk i hav to take.

2007-09-19T18:25:00.000+08:00

another sad post bout prelims grades...
a twist of grades...
one of my weaker subjects actually got A1 (my e maths)
and my, supposedly, stronger subjects got B4 ( geog)
nevertheless, its worth it.
L1R5 no change, just sub geog wif maths lor.
planning to hit below 12 pts...
is it possible??
wif my mediocre english grades...
i expect a B4 bah...

maybe this juz serve as a wake-up call.
to remain focus on stronger subjects while working hard for weaker subjects.
but i wan to get to a JC for the trial period. (3 weeks??)
see if i m suitable for JC or poly.
wats the use of crying over spilt milk...
juz remember ur mistakes and not repeat them...
my style,
make lotsa lotsa mistakes, then b perfect for actual thingy, kinda like my ROD XD
not perfect... maybe lesser mistakes.

prelims is over, but another big obstacle is ahead and we musnt lose ourselves anymore.
to overcome the big obstacles we must!!!
No more being complacent,
study like u failed and willing to get A1!!!
Geog muz get A1!!!

The way you look, reminds me of myself.
like my gentle tears, it seeps into my heart.
all i can do is choose the difficult path,
without even dusting off my sand-covered shoes.
I can only live like this,
and you probably smile at me and agree.

The way you look reminds me of myself,
since you share my view of the world.
I wont lose heart and even to the end,
I can love myself.
you give me a reason to live.

-FIELDS OF HOPE (Gundam Seed Destiny)-

2007-09-13T17:15:00.000+08:00

i always seem so slow...

even though i seemed to pen it down in my mental library,
i still seemed to be slower in blogging it.
this is a response.

juz take a break,
at night.
refresh ur mind,
by dreaming of ur future, hopes and something dear to u.
by reassuring urself of the place tt "thing" is to u,
u will definitely be refreshed by it.
and of cos be motivated to study.

once in a while,
take a look into the sky...
whether white clouds or shining stars...
its the same calming effect.

clouds create dreams/images tt u dream of,
stars create zodiacs/pictures tt u can dream of by joining the stars in ur own pattern.
mayb the problem is juz the distance u feel towards this dream.
u r not sure if it will come true.
u tell urself its not going to come true...

i dont dream much...
but certain dreams became reality.
-Luck is when preparation meets opportunity-
in other words,
always prepare for tt moment u r dreaming of,
or make the necessary mental/physical preparation.
after all,
dreams r a part of reality as they reflect ur subconsciousness at work.

without dreams, nothin big can b achieve.
without dreams,no one can b strong enuf to take on e world
wihout dreams, we r all juz memory cards for the schooling life, machines for the working life.

i do love to daydream.
i always play b4 work... m i lazy?? or just looking for something to push me on??
the above is juz part of my daydreaming at work...

2007-09-07T15:10:00.000+08:00

so unlucky...
juz cos i didnt go lib yesterday...
i missed something...
i didnt wan it to dwell on my mind.
i didnt wan to continue dreaming.
its time to wake up.
But then again...
dreams always happen, the best always happen when one's in dreamland...
in dreams,
u can fall and get up,
u can get kick around, and be stronger late game.
but is it possible in reality??
everything happens to our expectations in dreams.

awards...
wat r they??
plain recognition for ur hardwork??
or something ppl can use it to say nasty things bout u.
ppl will say tt u used "links" with the higher authority...
ppl will say lots of things behind ur back...
then u realise,

tt even ur frens will say something bad bout u.
tt ppl will see a different u.
tt ppl will start to suspect u.

awards...
u get it, juz accept lor.
but in e first place...
jus dont try lor...
tts wat i feel...
i got an award b4.
i got so f up cos of all the "small talk" behind my back...
tt i dont even care to get any more award.

for me,
i still wonder if my tt award really came because i had hardwork...
becos i did so many things 4 NCC,
LOL.
i tink i m the best person for tt award.
i m easily manipulated...
scared of CLTs mah...
can control like wat sir des lim say.

haha.
but i figured it out...
all the other awards...
i give my hardworking top4 to get.
i get or not... same BUC points for AMK.
if not... they not happy...
awards to recognise them.
XD

*AND I STILL MAINTAIN TT LINKS HELP PPL GET AWARDS.... POSTS... and other things*

2007-09-04T21:39:00.000+08:00

its kinda weird today...
i went library...
thinking i could hear some familar voices again...
is it possible??
i mus be losing my touch...
used to be able to predict tt wont happen.
but i happenened and i tried again today...
to much sadness.
ended today's "revision" period of 5 hrs. ( minimum le)
then go play LAN.
KILL THOSE EASY AI.
15 kills, 0 death.
got GODLIKE...
kinda noob actually...

so wat...
i kept too much tots...
when i m rdy to share...
no one will know tt i posted...
mysterious...
I m also independent and understand ppl needs to be independent...
I noe ppl need frens...
real gd frens...
tts y i need none tt jus come for the company.
gd frens...
but too much ppl in my house
hard to keep posting...
without all e hawking eyes.

just in need of a true fren...
always there beside me...
do- do- do- do...
-high school muscical-

2007-08-31T17:58:00.000+08:00

I HEREBY THANK CHUN YIN, CLASS 4C ( i think),
FOR INTRODUCING ME TO SUCH A GREAT ANIME.
THE BELOW R LYRICS FROM NARUTO.

>_<

2007-08-31T17:54:00.000+08:00

If i remember things one at a time,
I started to feel like i understand.
The faded words of mine, was actually there right next to me.
Nights where answers doesnt come out.
A small bit of warmth,
And a longing in the distance,
I just remember them and live by repeating them.
What i'm holding out with both hands is the drip of time.
I hold on lightly to the forgetten memories in which i lost words to.
Yeah. yeah.
yeah. yeah.
this feeling will be kept in my heart.

2007-08-31T17:47:00.000+08:00

The first time i spoke to you,
You smiled.
The first time i spoke to you,
With my words.
If people like me, just spoke to you,
You would think we're annoying.
I have such anxiety,
But i have courage to speak out.
I'm not able to speak too well,
So i tell you something awkward.
You listened to me without ignoring me.
That made me really happy.
But you dont think anything of me.
That's sad
But....

The first time i spoke to you,
You smiled.
The first time i spoke to you,
With my words.
If people like me just spoke to you, you would think we're annoying.
I have such anxiety, but i have courage to speak out.
I'm not able to speak too well,
So i tell you something awkward.
You listened to me without ignoring me.
That made me really happy.

2007-06-08T20:15:00.000+08:00

only 2 things in this world actually bothers me.
1) my NCC career as a USM
2) the relationships i built with those true friends.

1) steping down soon, people blog down all their feelings and past experiences. being someone of the NCC AIR that i am proud of, takes full commitment and perservance. you strive hard, we see it, we will recognise it.
as a sec 1, we were "tortured" by our dear Snr Rachel. best staff ever, even thou an APS. even thru all this punishments (evry trn, knock down, ganged by top 5, shouting at the top of their voices), those that survived from this punishments get stronger, more bonded. UGs give people this sense of bonding that none other CCAs can expect to forge, thru thick and thin, backstabbings, working together under particularly DIFFICULT Sirs. WOW!!!
people from other CCAs respect those that uphold this code of conduct of UGs.

as a sec 2, none saw me as a USM. i was quiet and unwilling to speak up. like what the Sirs say, given the responsibilty, one will be more confident. i am really thankful for being given the chance.

sec 3, people prefer to call the sec 2 yr the make-or-break year, but i feel the sec 3 yr suits this better.
we backstab, conflicts, rebellions, power struggles, headstrong PSes (SRY!!!), all sors of other things. however this year, NCOs motivate us. this motivation pushes us on to do even better. in sec 3 those who feel distant may suddenly become the one that you will work with, your close fren, those that you feel are your best fren may suddenly disappear. Power struggles. which to choose.... we learn bout decisions and the responsiblity required to make sure it happens.

Being a member of the NCC AIR family, i say that UGs create great leaders that are willing to lead, support and bear the brunt of all. those out there, be proud and honored as a part of US. be the great leader you are suppose to be. The confidence UG found me, gave me more opportunties to interact, helped me find more frens who are willing.

i do not wish to disclose any postings here, in case any cadets find their way here. Until next time...

2) True relationships, a word i dread, are hard to forge, it takes similar experiences and the willingness to be open with each other. some i do not bind to me, letting them go with their frens, others i just remind myself that true frens are hard to come about. i rather not have frens, in case i bind them to me. why the need of another burden??

i am comfortable with being alone, just someone whom i can talk to.

affairs of the heart... what comes naturally, i cant deny. what i want, i stated. but this cant work! definite ans need to know, not from someone. i just cant take the facts lying down, thou i truely believe, but i need to see, at least hear. some encouraged me, most discourage me. what to believe, what not to... i pretend not to hear. feelings are undeniable. so how do i compare myself with a close fren, thou it was stated down clearly, frens only... i still feel my position threatened.

a long wait awaits, who noes, time changes, people change, uncertain bout future. Patience and foresight learnt from playing chess, i hoped to use it wisely and not foresee myself in the pits.

4 more days to go. wonder if it can be given, like last yr, kept it till this yr. i wonder... something for me to remind myself of the matter?? something for me to think about ?? haiz.

AFTER ROD, 15 JUNE.
hope i dont cock up again...

2007-06-08T20:12:00.000+08:00

people blog to tell people their true feelings, i respect that, i wish all those who come here not to spread, but rather, keep it as a secret (if you are a fren)

2007-05-27T13:59:00.000+08:00

it was a moment worth blogging.
still remembered it, it was the best day.
it started with a glance
then it dragged on.... eyes still fixed...
captured,
but i cant do anything.

i still remembered when 2 loners went out together, after dinner.
we saw a star and a moon, close by.
he asked me, can they be tt close?
if HE let them be tt close, of course HE will let u be.
dont give up, just keep going.
dont think about it.
it did came true for him.
now he believed.
having faith is human's best gift, never lose tt precious gift. never lose it
remind urself of it and keep going.

CHESS.... my passion..... my vent...

2007-04-30T22:44:00.000+08:00

dont know y, but i suddenly wanted to write this post...
maybe i feel the need to play chess again...

chess is a gd form of vent for me.... it allows me to vent my anger, distress...
ppl link strategy games to...
hm... cunning??
it provides a form of judgement actually...
i can see how ppl react to situations and counter them....
how ppl can see the pronged attack on them...
sadistic game actually....
how the person in control can actually make the opponent "die" without a piece left...
thats how ppl win rite??
make use of weak points....

my strategy....
easy actually.... for those who want to beat me... ( guess lou onli)
1) pawns... the main structure u have.... without them... u r dead!!!!!!!
2) use diversions.... multi-headed attacks...
3) knights own....
4) rooks for endgame ownage....
5) IMPT!!! pawns promote to all other pieces except king.... tts y i always protect my pawns...
6) tink on the spot.... =)

slow, my pace, my game....
give me confusion, fast and no knights...
i will cry...

how u play chess.... is how jian u r underneath.... cant hide ppl....
esp yuan... long to play again wif 2/5 ppl.... more pro... and predictable....

for eric, the sci freak who linked <3 wif sci.

2007-04-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

1) a perfect other half is like an atom which can fill up the electron shell of another atom perfectly and fully
2) a person chasing after someone who he can never get is like an atom which has high reactivity trying to react with an unreactive atom
3) relationships in which the bond is like an ionic bond are not perfect. you're just attracted to each other. however, the perfect bond is a covalent bond.... where one and another contributes "electrons" to a bond shared by both.
4) Love is like 2 chemicals reacting vigourously. the efferverscense between the 2 reactants is a lot....
5)
6)
on and on till
12) sometimes, there are relationships that are quite hard to make happen. just remember- maybe the reactions requires a large amount of "activation" energy to overcome the energy barrier, then reaction will occur...

from ericljk.

*in my opinion, he missed the human factor.... some of this will happen due to unforeseen factors... not all matter are law-abiding.... =)
but good effort actually... much credit to you for able to link up... makes chem easier to memorise....

2007-04-30T22:10:00.000+08:00

today emo day.
fail geog.... sianz -_-
i just cant stand the method of recognising people for their academic work.
y cant people see each person's strengths and not shoot at their weakness.
y cant the system be fairer, and just let us specialize.
maybe i fail as a person who cant multitask.
i tried hard for my a maths... now maintaining a pass, hopefully a C6 in Os
but i only failed in geog.
bio, physics.... slackening....
must i be a all-rounder??
that will make me only an average student...
cant even do well for the subject i like.

chosen to be debater for hist...
god...
i dont even know the rules.... then got thrashed by clarissa
pro debater no doubt....
must learn to be on par if i were to face her nxt mon.
really lawyer-standard.

when chances are given, its best to make use of it

2007-04-01T21:45:00.000+08:00

it was a sunday
still remembered the event was supposed to be remembered forever
it all began wonderfully
but it ended terribly

maybe i really pinned too much on her
too much that it really stressed her out too much
shouldnt have told her
made me felt even more hurt
now its aching to want to make it up to her.

but i hardly know how it can be done.
why is everyone playing DEPRESSION?
now it gets to me....

cant even think.
cant even function.
wats the use,
wheres the purpose in life,
if one cant even enjoy??

maybe its temporary
after 7 months
will it be back where it was??
did it even actually end??
or rather started??

maybe i force too much
people need space, people nid personal space
and
people to listen to their woes and cries of pain
being misunderstood
To please everyone,
one has sacrificed,
many did their best,
but was it enough??
that sacrifice
cant be seen, heard, felt
even by those i deemed closest, most reliable, and confidant

why does that person has to absorb all that??
to please and satisfy that over-bearing father??
to solve all problems??
to hide inside his cave??
and continue hiding??
wat for?

BECAUSE NO ONE WILL PULL HIM OUT.
HE TRIED TO GET ONE, BUT SHE DIDNT LET HIM.
SHE WAS SUFFERING TOO.....

why did ever 2 suffering the same fate ppl even tried to get together??
to suffer even more??
he tried to solve everyones problem
but get even more problems.
now its pushing him to the edge.....

but i will save him.
he had never been this state before.....
not even once when she sorta neglected him
even when all his efforts were for her, living his life, continuing just because of her.
he told me once, he was ready to fall forever into despair
but i told him,
there's still hope
as long as she isnt someone's.

FIGHT FOR HIS HAPPINESS, SOMEONE TOLD HIM THAT
BUT DID THAT SOMEONE TOLD HIM THAT BECAUSE SHE DIDNT WANT HIM TO BE LIKE THAT TOO??
SUGGESTIONS ARE MOST OFTEN GIVEN WHEN PEOPLE DONT WANT OTHERS TO FOLLOW IN THEIR FOOTSTEPS.
IT NEVER CAME TRUE.

i wanted her to at least be near me once.
to not see me and turn her back on me.
to take a walk with her one day
and at most hold hands.
thats all i wanted, others i dont want to think of
the future's unpredictable.....
present is what i work for,
the past is what i work on

having doubts about myself again
opened up
because i wanted to get closer,
because i wanted to meet her,
all because i like her too much
and cant let go of my dream

i did let go once
and i sunk into a pit
till her light roused me from that slumber.

HOPING TO SEE HER SMILE EVERYDAY
HOPING TO HOLD HANDS WITH HER
HOPING ALL CRITICISMS TO STOP INSTEAD LET ME TAKE THE BRUNT AND I WILL STAND TALL AND STRONG.

2007-03-20T18:46:00.000+08:00

i wish to say out all my grievances.
here goes...

i said my piece but i was rejected.
i tried my best to ask for what i want,
i repeated the request,
i only got a NO

will anyone accept that??
will anyone be satisfied??
will anyone give up, just because of that??
will i just give up??

did i??
or was a chance given??
dont even remembered how many times i asked...
but the same answer came back.
asked for alternatives...
but all was for nothing.

did i ever wanted something in return??
just that little
will be enough.
but was i given that chance??

i estimated my chances of succeess...
i give a 50-50
now a 25-75
soon a 1-99

maybe it is that barrier.
maybe it never started in the first place.
maybe i was just dreaming.
maybe i just need a true friend.
JUST 1 TRUE FREN

my life...
i lived my life till now as a introvert.
i opened gaps for those that cared into my world.
but only on the surface.

how can i trust anyone.
i doubt all that are around me.
always in fear.
always afraid to be devoured.

maybe what i said above is unfair to those that showed the little effort.
but i cant really feel it...
i dont know what's care, love or any human relationship.

i lived a life of unhappiness, sadness, restrained.
really drowning in my own sadness and pessimism
i cant express, show and feel
because i do not even know what those are.

in my life,
i just followed my thoughts
doing everything from the beginning
all alone.
ALONE.
the help i got was just insults
scoldings and more scoldings.
when i was still in kindergarden.
i was taught by a "block"
by one who ****ing cant teach children.
only trumatising them.

i was that trumatised
what changed me was the SUPER TEEN programme/camp
it made me more willing to accept all that didnt go along with me
to be a little more confident.

its hard to be even what i am today.
without the SUPER TEEN...
i will only be Existing, not Living, like i m today.

therefore,
i really hope people do not treat me as a confident, know-all and NORMAL person.
i really have my side.
i am borned and brought up this way.
i cant changed what was bored into me since childhood.
a most unhappy one...

i am trying my best to suit everyone.
i just want people
To understand my side of the story.
To be able to support me and assist in anyway.

First times. to do or not to do. how to ever know.

2007-03-20T18:42:00.000+08:00

this is my first blog.

blogs are to blog down all grievances.
this is a personal blogging experience.
please bear with the lack of a tagbox.